Insights into becoming independent
When I was growing up in Corsica, SD, I thought of myself as being pretty independent. At a certain age, maybe 9 or 10, I started riding my bike all over town, nearly at will. The exceptions were when there was work to be done at home, food to be eaten, or when we had to go to church. Or if there was ice on the ground. That would put a damper on things. And I probably didn't ride bike in the winter that much anyway. Then the big fun was sledding or building forts and snowmen, making snow angels, or digging tunnels in the massive snow drifts or piled snow. Hours would be spent digging, working and pretending to defend the fort from marauders. We were pretending to be men, to be strong independent types. It was good. It was a boy's life.
In a way I'm doing the same thing now. Except now, I'm old enough to really believe in the part about being a man. Moving to Cleveland seemed like a great first step in feeling more like a man. Feeling my feelings, working through my issues, has also given me the perspective that being a man is not about breaking away from mom and dad, or having hair on my chest or any other simple act or marker. And it's not about age. Or about male-ness or macho-ness. What it's about for me now, is being accountable, owning one's actions, owning one's feelings.
One thing I've done to make that a reality is still occurring - owning my "take care of me" syndrome. Luckily, this is one syndrome that has a cure, and I'm on the way to recovery. All it takes is a different perspective. The old perspective, the old thoughts were: I feel bad. Someone take care of me. Or, I feel good. It must be because I'm with ______ (input ex-girlfriends', parents', close friends' names). The flip side was true as well. I would think: they don't feel good, it must be my fault. Or, they feel good, are happy, I must be doing something right. I don't know when this thinking started, but I'm glad to be aware of it. I do sort of know how it started, but it doesn't matter. Why doesn't matter either. All that matters is that I'm feeling strong and healthy, like the young "Scotty the Kid" again.
And that new perspective? "I'm good as I am. I am whole, perfect and very capable handling life." And as I find friends to enjoy life with "for a while, maybe longer" then so be it. But for now, it's the life of Scotty the Kid, bless it all.
In a way I'm doing the same thing now. Except now, I'm old enough to really believe in the part about being a man. Moving to Cleveland seemed like a great first step in feeling more like a man. Feeling my feelings, working through my issues, has also given me the perspective that being a man is not about breaking away from mom and dad, or having hair on my chest or any other simple act or marker. And it's not about age. Or about male-ness or macho-ness. What it's about for me now, is being accountable, owning one's actions, owning one's feelings.
One thing I've done to make that a reality is still occurring - owning my "take care of me" syndrome. Luckily, this is one syndrome that has a cure, and I'm on the way to recovery. All it takes is a different perspective. The old perspective, the old thoughts were: I feel bad. Someone take care of me. Or, I feel good. It must be because I'm with ______ (input ex-girlfriends', parents', close friends' names). The flip side was true as well. I would think: they don't feel good, it must be my fault. Or, they feel good, are happy, I must be doing something right. I don't know when this thinking started, but I'm glad to be aware of it. I do sort of know how it started, but it doesn't matter. Why doesn't matter either. All that matters is that I'm feeling strong and healthy, like the young "Scotty the Kid" again.
And that new perspective? "I'm good as I am. I am whole, perfect and very capable handling life." And as I find friends to enjoy life with "for a while, maybe longer" then so be it. But for now, it's the life of Scotty the Kid, bless it all.
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